Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar kept going forward.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar froze again – terrified. Frantically, he looked all around with his flashlight. In a far corner, he spotted a birdcage with a parrot perched inside.

"Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked the parrot.

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot squawked sarcastically, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

An old man, Mr. Smith, resides in a nursing home. One day he went to the nurses' station and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. 'It did? I'm sorry to hear that, ' she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, 'Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died'. 'It did' he replied; 'today is the viewing'.